


Sinking In

by rngoame



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eventual Romance, Friendship, Gen, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, hikikomori
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-07-23 21:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rngoame/pseuds/rngoame
Summary: After his trip to Australia ended in a bad tone, Haruka gave up on everything and became a shut-in. Now, Makoto and his friends will try to reach to him, repair their bonds and bring to him a new possible life.With feelings from the past clash with the possibilities for the future, all of them have to learn how to manage their lives from here on out





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts

_"When you're ten, you're seen as a prodigy._

_When you're fifteen, you're seen as a genius._

_Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person."_

I used to think about those words a lot in my teenager years. Time has passed, but these still lingering on my mind. Back then, I couldn't wait to be seen as a ordinary person, or so that was I thought. But now... What is like to be an ordinary person anyway? What does that even mean? 

Guess I can't even be considered a person anymore at this point.

Alone in my room, with a thin ray of light trespassing these heavy shut curtains, and lots of trash bags fully packed around me, turning everything more suffocating. Every single thing in this place reminding me that I'm a failure and I gave up on life. I don't even know if I deserve to be alive and breathing right now.

When people inquired me about future, college, career and such, I thought that it was not a big deal. I used to believe that i would be "free" when becoming an adult. And be "free" meant don't follow someone else's plans or expectations, not even from your closest friends. It meant to follow your own heart and mind, and build a path of your own. With everyone asking for a immediate answer, I felt pressured and lost. And then I lashed it all on them, burning all the bridges. I hurt so many people who cared about me with my ignorance and stubbornness. 

Now, being free feels more like not leaving your room, feel your body weight you down to bed and being all day thinking about what would it be if I didn't do things wrong or made terrible choices. Then content and repeat. I realized that avoiding any thought about future got myself into no future at all. And the price was to lose everyone who was important to me.

Makoto went to Tokyo to attend college. Sometimes he calls or send messages. I still can't answer him without feeling a pain in my chest. Rin is out there in Australia and probably don't want to see my face ever again. Rei, Nagisa and Gou pass by one day or another, but they do their own business. I'm still at home. Didn't leave it since high school ended. I only get out to buy stuff to eat. Mackerel when I'm feel like. Otherwise, just snacks.

It has been months since I graduated from high school, and the only contact I have with water since is when I'm in the bathtub. The sensation of my body submerged in the water used to be relaxing. I was used to feel embraced and welcomed by it. Used to feel all my troubles and anxieties being dissolved in it as i sink. Used to. Now I feel like it's pressure is forcing me away. Even water itself is rejecting me, I suppose.

My hair length is almost on my chin and even let grow a bit of a facial hair. When i meet someone I know, they usually say i'm getting thin. I even managed to scare Gou one day when she came visit once. That's why I try to avoid meetings as much as possible - I don't want them to hang out with a quiter, to see me in this state. I can't drive people away from their bright futures... And for distancing myself, there's only loneliness by my side.

With swimming out of the league, I occupied myself with online forums and late night anime. My room is now filled with manga, posters, figures, otaku stuff in general. 

I also started making fanzines. That's what I do for a living at the moment. At least it's enough to eat and pay the bills. This surely isn't a life that I imagined, but that's all I have. 

If only I knew when I used to think down on people like that what would I came to be... 

Not that i don't feel ashamed for being like this. When you're at your worst, these things can really suck you in. Specially the stories about a normal guy being transported to a fantasy world and becoming a hero in that land...

Fantasy is a thing, but reality is another. Here I'm a loser. Here I'm alone. Here I don't deserve any praise. If only I knew that it would happen I wouldn't make a effort to belong in a club in the first place. I wonder if, deeply in my mind I knew all along that it was supposed to end like this. Pathetic.

I've been having nightmares constantly. Walking through the school walls, all of my friends showing up and telling me how I am a disappointment for not following my talent. And then i’m in front of a pool. Rin shows up, making a disgusted face at me. Feeling sick. Suddenly I'm submerged in water, sinking, sinking…

I often woke up to this gasping for air, drowned in sweat, unable to move. Sometimes I feel a pressure in my chest so heavy that I feel I might die at that moment. In times like these I try to take slow paced breathing. For a long time I wondered when all of this will end.

Until one of these days I received a call from Makoto. Sometimes when he calls, he tries to ask me why can't I change my way of living, and then we always start arguing until he gives up. I was already answering it with my usual stance to avoid any kind of confrontation. But it wasn't Makoto who was speaking that time. 

"Oi! Haru! Remember me? From middle school?"

I couldn't recognize who was talking that the moment, but then I tried to recollect whom I knew back then. The upbeat and boyish tone led me to only one answer.

"Asahi?! Is that you?"

Before he could reply I heard the phone being passed to another and some background noise. Then there was Kisumi speaking. I know it was him because we talked a bit one time Makoto called. And he had a weird manner to talk to me.

"I'm sorry, Haru... We met the guys from middle school and we're all together now, and I kinda talked to them about what's going on with you... Is that a problem?"

Deep im my mind I could only imagine that this guy hate my guts, but Kisumi just seems to have a twisted way to demonstrate that he cared, I guess.

I just rolled my eyes with this, but I couldn't ask about his almost mocking tone because Asahi was already back in the line.

"Is that true that you're making manga now? That's awesome!"

"It's not like thi-"

Makoto picked up the phone, under Asahi's complaints.

"Hey there, Haru-chan. Just to know how you doing, but the guys also wanted to say hi"

We’re both adults and he still with the nicknames.

"I already told you to drop the '-chan'... And I'm fine"

"Sure you are" he answered with a chuckle. Here we go again. 

Before he said one more word, it seemed like there's someone asking for the phone, so Makoto just finished with "We can discuss later. There's still one guy who wants to talk with you"

It become silent. Then came a low voice almost in a mutter.

"...Haru?"

I froze. That voice was somewhat kept deep in the most hidden places of my mind, and to hear it again made my body shivers like I'd been struck by electric shock. I was in a loss of words, all I could manage to answer was "I-Ikuya?"

"Makoto told that... you got back to swimming in high school" he gave a deep breath, "but suddenly gave up again. What happened?"

I couldn't answer. I felt a weight in my chest so painful that was hard to breathe.

"I-i..."

"Why you left the thing you loved the most? Answer me!" His tone was demanding, but I was paralyzed.

"I had an idea!" Asahi yelled in the background, then, he concluded closer to the phone, "We're gonna see you! Sleep at your place! Just like old times!"

"Wait, what?"

"You need an intervention and we're gonna fix you up!" He stated, "Except the manga part, that's cool..."

"What the..." 

It started a heated discussion at the end of the line that I couldn't understand a thing. Then, the phone returned to Makoto.

"Well... you heard him. What do you think?"

"You're not cooperating with this, right?" I asked, panicked. Makoto just laughed.

"It's something we didn't try yet. The summer break is around the corner. It is a possibility. Think about it"

"But I don't want you all to waste your time..."

"And we won't. Must go. Bye"

"Wait-" 

But Makoto had already hung up. 

I tried to process everything that happened in that call. I hadn't talked to these people in ages. I couldn't imagine how they still remember my useless existence. I don’t even remembered them properly. Specially Ikuya. I can't believe that I could forget about him. His grumpy and reserved demeanor behind those big and sparkly eyes of his young days. And about everything we had. The meteor shower, the promises, the start of something that I couldn’t understand at the time, but now... I let him down and ended in bad terms. I disappointed him and I can't forgive myself for that.

But I guess we'll have a second chance when they come here. If they'll go along with this idea. 

The last time they did something like that we were in middle school. My parents were elsewhere and I didn’t eat properly, so they showed up and we did something like a summer camp in my house. It was fun, but we were kids. This is all in the past. Now we're grown ups, and this sort of thing don't have a space in our lives.

If they think that can change my life by now, they're must be completely out of their minds. There's no way I can leave the hell that I got into. But if they're really insist on this idea, I kinda look forward to what is going to happen. It's been a while since I felt that eager. It looks like I still have a bit of hope after all. 

Definitely I'm nothing but an idiot, but they are worse.


	2. Meanwhile in Tokyo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We saw how Haruka is doing, but what about his friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the second chapter is up. Now featuring Makoto's POV. Hope you enjoy!

In his first day in college, Makoto was at the station waiting for the next train that would stop at the station which was the closest to his destination. Being in Tokyo for the first time, a city with unimaginable proportions, he didn't managed to get a place near the Meijo Chuo University, and all the train lines could mess a country boy's head. But after all the prior confusion, he could manage to understand the ways of the town, and even visit some iconic spots.

From the busy Shibuya and it's guardian Hachiko, through the fashionable Harajuku and the fancy Ginza. He even visited the fish market in Tsukiji, the thought of his mackerel loving friend lingering on his mind. Also, on Akihabara, it was impossible to forget about Haruka with his new hobby. Everywhere Makoto would go, he'd take pictures to send his friend back in Iwatobi, just to receive one word answers like "cool" or "nice". He understands that Haruka didn't want to engage in a conversation, but it was important to him to still keep in touch.

Somewhere deep in his mind, Makoto wondered if everything he was going through, with college and living in a big city, would be so much better if Haruka were by his side. Probably would be a little less scary that it was. They would have each other's backs in this new moment in their lives as it was always been since they were children. But then, he understood that he couldn't change his friend's mind or the way he choose to live his life.

That put Makoto in a new situation, which he should face alone. Is not like he doesn't enjoy this idea, but it was a brand new lifestyle that he had to grow to get used to. Sometimes he thought that this is all it takes to make himself grow as an adult. To meet new people and live new experiences.

Even though, Makoto knew that he couldn't be worked up with these new possibilities. After all his best friend is all the way to Iwatobi, suffering alone and in silence. He knew that all he been trying to do to change this ended up in nowhere. He also knew that his own suffering with this situation wouldn't be helpful in this case. “I need something else to make things better”, he thought. He then started to believe that the answer for all this trouble would come soon as he can manage his new life as a young man.

So, he is at the station, waiting for the train to carry him to his first day at college. He had ridden the train so many times already, but still he couldn't understand why his heart was beating so fast. Must be the eager for start an academic life. He could only imagine if he'd meet someone he knew in his class, or even in his campus.

That unfortunately didn’t happen, but he still has contact with Kisumi, who afterclass, he received a message from, which said “I’m with Asahi. Let’s meet up”. It took a while for Makoto to figure out who Kisumi was talking about.Then he realized that was Asahi, the redhead active kiddo from middle school.

Makoto was surprised that he could meet one of his teammates back then, after all, live in a big city by himself doesn't do. It's better to enjoy what it has to offer with friends. He also thought that Haruka would like to know Asahi’s being doing fine.

So they met up at Shibuya station and started to keep up and take a stroll around. Asahi talked about how he had to build the swimming club from the ground up in high school, just like himself at Iwatobi. Asahi asked about Haruka, Makoto knew it would happen eventually. He tried to avoid the topic, but even Kisumi commented things like “Makoto don’t tell me anything either! How mean!”

Even though Kisumi used to hang out with them at high school, when Haruka became a recluse, he only let Makoto to maintain contact to him. The circumstances which led him to this situation was enclosed with mystery, even for Makoto. This made him feel somewhat impotent, unable to help his best friend. To make matters worse, he felt responsible for Haruka to turn out like this.

Then, Freshman Tournament came, and with it, they could meet Ikuya. It was Asahi who found him first, who led him to Makoto and Kisumi. Ikuya was happy to meet them, but he couldn’t avoid noticing someone was missing. At first he didn’t mentioned it to others, because he felt a weird mood in the air around them. Still, he settled with hang out with them.

They arrived at Asahi’s older sister coffee shop. There they talked and made up for the old times. Things were doing pretty okay, until Asahi showed them a photo album with their time at middle school. Even if they tried to avoid talking about Haruka until now, it was impossible to keep this question unanswered.

Asahi then finally had boldness to touch that sensible topic.

“So, what happened to Haruka, after all? You used to always hang out together, right? He came to Tokyo as well?”

Makoto was waiting to have everyone reunited to tell everything he knew abou Haruka. But still, it was difficult for him.

“Haruka? Well...” Makoto felt his throat heavy and dry, as he tried to avoid looking directly at Asahi’s eyes. “He’s in Iwatobi”

“Studying in a college in Iwatobi?”

“No...” Makoto stared at the ground, his voice harder and harder to hear, “At home. All day”

“Oh...” Asahi’s eyes turned wide open. “So he became a NEET?”

Ikuya was with his hands on his chin, elbow on the table, looking at no particular direction, just processing the information.

“Well… The last i knew about him is that he’s making money from doujinshi and art commissions”

“Oh, he’s always been a very good artist, isn’t he?” Kisumi tried to light up the mood. But no one were feeling it.

“So he gave up on swimming altogether?” Ikuya asked, disappointment in his voice.

“Not at all… I thought everything would be different… He even went back to swim in high school” 

“...Excuse me?” Ikuya got worked up with this information, since he was the only one who didn’t know about it, “He really came back to a swimming club in high school?”

“Erm…” Makoto started to realize the situation becoming even more awkward “Is quite a long story, but we build up the swimming club in our high school, b-” 

“So that’s the thing” Kisumi interrupted Makoto, “Things were doing great and stuff, but everyone was asking him about what he’s gonna do after graduation. He got mad at everyone, so...”

“So I suggested to our friend Rin to put some sense in him, showing his dream.” Makoto continued, “He took Haruka to Australia with him”

“Rin?” Asahi and Ikuya sounded slightly confused.

“Our friend and teammate before you guys” Makoto answered, “but i guess it didn’t work. When he came back, he shut himself in his room and didn’t talk with anyone”

“Really? Damn!” Asahi leaned back at the chair.

“So what happened in Australia for him to turn out like that?” Ikuya made a timid question.

“No one knows. Not even Makoto” Kisumi put his chin on the table, displaying tiredness.

“I tried to reach out to him, but every time I mentioned Australia he says he don’t want to talk about it”

Australia, Rin… the thought of not knowing a side of Haruka made Ikuya quite anxious. His breath became irregular, his head felt heavy, and he even could feel his legs trembling violently, to the point he tried to hold them down with his hands, which alleviate a bit, but didn’t solved at all.

Makoto felt his phone in his pocket. It was a message from Haruka, answering to a photo of all of them Makoto sended two days ago.

“Oh, a message from Haruka. He said ‘cool’” He exclaimed, surprised with the timing of the message

“Hey, let us talk to him!” Asahi suggested.

“What?”

“He only answers if it’s you, right? Come on, it’ll be fast”

Makoto evaluated the pros and cons of doing that, but at the end he felt like going with the flow to see where would it go.

“Okay, but don’t get me in trouble” He handled the phone to Asahi, already in call.

“I won’t disappoint you, sir!” Asahi already felt excited with this shenanigans.

When it seemed that Haruka picket up the phone, Asahi and Kisumi were side by side, trying to share it to talk to him. Makoto looked at the scene trying hard not to laugh. He asked for the phone for a little bit, but Asahi went “But i don’t talk to him in years, how could you...”

He tried to be cordial on the line, but Haruka was prickly, hard to please or communicate with. He didn’t know what to do, when he realized Ikuya’s hard gaze at him. Makoto looked at his direction, and waited until he asks with an inaudible tone:

“...Is it really him? Haruka?” When Makoto confirmed with a nod, he added “Can I talk to him?”

“Sure”, Makoto answered, and to the phone, said "We can discuss later. There's still one guy who wants to talk with you"

As he handed the phone to Ikuya and watched him talk, his head down his gaze at the floor, Makoto couldn’t help but feel sad for him. Ikuya looked more and more unstable every second, but Makoto didn’t know how to handle this situation.

So Asahi shouted "I had an idea!", saving Makoto for a bit, but then goes next to where Ikuya was to say at the phone "We're gonna see you! Sleep at your place! Just like old times!"

That sartledd everyone. Ikuya was shocked, Kisumi went surprised but pleased, and Makoto only could bury his head on his hand. It was over.

"You need an intervention and we're gonna fix you up!" it was getting worse, and Ikuya interfired: “We can’t do this!”

“Why not? We did back then and it was fun”

“But now? We’re gonna to a shut-in’s house and what?” Ikuya took a deep breath, “We can’t solve his problems, and we don’t even see each other in a while. I don’t know how he’ll react to us”

“But we won’t know if we don’t try, right?” Kisumi went on board in the idea, “He’s still our friend. It wouldn’t be so bad”

Makoto followed the discussion in silence, reflecting upon everything that led up to this. He tried to fix the situation, “Hey, he still on the line. Let me talk to him”

Asahi reluctantly handled to him, and everyone waited in silence until Makoto finish the call.

“So...” Kisumi broke the silence “What do we do now?”

“What do you think?” Asahi answered in a whim ”Visit him on summer!”

“This is gonna work?” Ikuya still showed signs of discomfort.

The last word was given by Makoto.

“Well, the mess was done. We need now to deal with it until the end”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm... so what happened in Australia?  
> And if you're wondering about Hiyori, he's gonna show up in the next chapter, or so i think
> 
> As always, @dangomode on twitter, and thank you for following my story!


	3. Nothing but a Sinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in Australia? Also, Haruka's friends arrive at his place

The fan at the ceiling was spinning in a slow pace. Round and round. Round and round. Round and round. Haruka followed it's movement with his eyes. It's the only thing that he could do. He didn't have the strength to get up, have a shower or dinner. The act of gazing at the fan’s movement was tiresome enough for him.

His room's window was close. Through it he could see from his bed the remaining light of the sunset, announcing the break of evening. He didn't mind what time was, because it was irrelevant for him in this lifestyle, but he couldn’t avoid thinking about how that scenario was so similar to that day. The day which changed his life and his relationships forever. 

The day of his trip to Australia with Rin.

Haruka didn’t want to think about that day, but over and over that scene played on his head. A sudden movement, Rin’s face contorted in horror. The awkward mood between them in the next day.

He couldn’t take the pain in his chest. His breathing was already turning erratic, and again he had the sensation of almost dying. This sensation was similar to being in the middle of the ocean, without knowing where the surface was.

He tried to take a deep breath and turned in the bed to face at the wall. There was nothing interesting there, obviously. But there’s nothing he could do about these moments when his thoughts wandered around the redhead.

Rin was that kind of person who takes everything around him like a storm, leaving nothing behind as the same they were. Haruka definitely wasn't the same when they met for the first time. His expansive presence, as if it light up anywhere he'd go, and the smile of his, like everything would going to turn out okay. 

So why everything about the two of them turned out like this?

He was an extrovert kid. Always eager to meet others, to make friends and share his expectations and hopes for the future. Haruka felt somewhat a sense of comfort next to him. Opposed to Rin, he used to have trouble to make connections with others besides Makoto. He knew that he couldn't depend on his best friend forever, so make a new friend effortlessly was a good thing, or so he thought.

When they were children, everything seemed easy. Their relationship was innocent, friendly, and they shared a heated passion for nothing but each other's potential. But as soon as they grew up, Haruka noticed that the feelings he had when he stood next to Rin started to change. At first he thought that was just the thrill of having a worthy rival. 

But suddenly the anticipation for ride alongside him became a heat wave through his body. The comfort of hearing his voice became trepidations and palpitations. And the feeling of having Rin's gaze at him became an uncontrollable heavy breathing.

Before he noticed, he was addicted to Rin. Addicted to his smile, his hair, his voice, his enthusiasm, his presence. Everything about Rin made Haruka crave for more, and he didn't exactly understood for what. Only being at his side, looking from afar wasn’t doing. He wanted that Rin looked only at him, he wanted Rin’s touch, he wanted the feeling of his skin against the heat of Rin’s. 

Haruka didn’t know what was that all about? Was it love? Was it passion? Was it a fever? He didn’t care. He only knew that no one else could know about it. What if they mocked him? Called him names? Without anyone to sort these doubts out, he suffered alone.

At that time, Haruka was completely devastated with the news of Rin moving to Australia. Of course he expected that nothing would happen between them, but at least Rin could show a little of hesitation, right? But instead, he was happy, hopeful. He had a future which he looked forward, but what about Haruka? 

A few years later, when Haruka thought he could forget about Rin, he showed up of nowhere. Everything Haruka was building until that point seemed useless. Every relation that he established, every step away from this passion. That was the effect Rin had over Haruka. He didn't needed anyone else, but Rin.

Their encounter found another disappointed ending for Haruka. Rin seemed distressed, unhappy, annoyed because he couldn't beat the quiet one. Rin exclaimed that his time in Australia was for nothing. But Haruka disagreed with that. He wanted to say that Australia was meaningless, that their competition was unnecessary. That he only needed to Rin to be by his side always.

But he didn't said anything. So Rin walked away again.

This time was more painful that the last one. Haruka felt responsible for making Rin doubt his future, his destiny on swimming. He thought that if Rin couldn't swim, so couldn't he. He went his whole first year of high school without doing any club activities, and Makoto was always by his side, supporting his decisions.

Poor Makoto. He was clueless about everything he and Rin shared. Haruka couldn't tell him about the deep aspects of their relationship. He would never understand. This made Haruka thought of himself as an awful friend. 

Maybe he was a bad person.

One more time Rin showed up in his life. This time he couldn't hide his yearning anymore. Neither do Rin. They had an awkward dynamic of push and pull, constantly dancing around each other, his interest over each other intensifying every time they met.

But this was nothing like before. Somewhat these feeling were more desperate than before. What was that? The passion for water, competition, and everything was back?

No.

It was different. Way different.

Now Haruka understood everything. He wanted Rin. His body, his passion, his gaze. And he wasn't ashamed. He was full aware of his pervert thoughts and desires. And still couldn't tell anyone, or else it's turn everything more awkward for everyone.

It was a secret no one dare to know. Until - poor Makoto - suggested that Rin brought Haruka with him to Australia to show him a possible future. At the time their relationship was warm but nothing out of ordinary.

Until they learned that they have to share one bed at the hotel. 

It was the end for Haruka.

At first Rin showed apparent discomfort, but he loosen up as the tiredness of the trip took him. He wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying before sleep.

"You know… I've always looked it to you…"

Rin's voice was deep, somewhat sensual. This almost confession made something inside Haruka flip. He couldn't get over that mood, the shy moonlight which timidly entered the room, and Rin's heat so close to him anymore.

So he did the thing he regrets everyday of his life doing.

Haruka approached Rin, putting his both arms around him and tried to murmur at his ear, with his voice overflowing with anticipation.

"Rin…"

When he looked at Haruka's face getting close, his expression was of pure shock.

“What the hell?”

Rin’s eyes gone wide, as in a whim he sat on bed, and brushing Haruka aside.

“I just thought-”

“What? That we really gonna hook up?" He buried his head in his hand, locks of red between his fingers. He turned to the window, "I can't believe this"

Haruka could only stare at Rin's behavior, waiting to come up with something to break the weird mood.

"Look, I'm sorry"

"You don't get it, right?" Rin gave a laugh of awkwardness, "Didn't expect it from you, so gross”

Haruka just stared at Rin. His voice sounded so rough, so full of loathing and disgust. 

Gross.

He was gross.

Of course he couldn’t believe that throwing his lust and desire at Rin and expect to turn out alright. Rin was and will ever be the figure he’ll always going after, but never at his grasp. Rin was his muse, his pure and perfect partner, someone he only could worship in his head. 

He was stupid, so stupid to think that they’d be something else, attempting to taint his with his own filthy urges. 

Filthy.

Yes, he was filthy. Dirty. And didn’t deserve love. 

Not from Rin. Nor from anyone else. Not even from Makoto.

He really was a bad person, after all.

Haruka threw his pillow over his head and groaned. This wasn't he needed to think at a time like that. He needed to sleep. Yes. Let's just go to sleep already. But when he attempted to give in to his sleepy head someone was knocking at the door of his house.

Who could it be at this time? 

Haruka took all of his strength to push himself out of the bed and looked at the clock next to it. 7:15 PM. Not so late that he thought, but what should he expect when everyday looked the same for him?

He dragged his overly exhausted body downstairs, not minding the state of his pajama pants and his Iwatobi mascot t-shirt from high school days. Probably his hair was a mess and he had huge bags under his eyes, but who cares.

He came at the door and opened it with caution. Haruka didn't notice who was there due to his tired head, but he tried to do the nicest greeting he could manage to do.

"Hm, hey there"

"Haruka! We're back!" Said and enthusiastic Asahi as he hugged the house owner with all his might.

"Oh, Asahi…" Haruka wasn't expecting the visit of his friends so soon. Was it summer break already? He really wasn't keeping track of the time since he became a shut-in. But they're already there, so he couldn't help but go with the flow with their shenanigans.

"I'm just gonna put this on the kitchen, okay? We're gonna make dinner!" Asahi showed Haruka lots of convenient store bags that him didn't notice at first, and walked away entering the house.

"Oh my God! What's going on with you?" Kisumi entered, looking at him up and down, probably noticing the loss of weight, "keep up with this and you'll end up invisible!"

"You know… the usual" Haruka answered with an annoyance in his voice.

"No way! We're here to change this around, okay? You can believe it!" Kisumi pressed the former swimmer's face with his hands in a rare display of affection. Then he yelled at Asahi to wait for him and also gone to the kitchen.

"We're home" Makoto grated smiling. Haruka couldn't look straight at him, so he gazed at any corner of the room just to avoid direct eye contact.

"Hm, hello"

Makoto chucked at this response, "Just don't forget you're not alone. I'm gonna help with the dinner" he left the entrance going to where the other two went. It let Haruka with the last person of the group who he still didn't talked to.

Ikuya.

Haruka noticed that he changed a lot, probably due to growing up. He didn't had this big sparkly eyes that evoked innocence, but he went tall and his shoulders were broad now. Now is not the time to think about these things, be thought.

They surely had a lot to talk about, but Haruka had some problems to start a conversation. It seemed that so is Ikuya. Then, all he could do is to give a simple yet effective greet.

"So… Hi"

"Hi"

Ikuya's voice was deeper than he remembered. Silence once again returned to them. Opposed to Makoto, he couldn't avoid looking at Ikuya's eyes, so full of unspoken words. A long time has passed until he realized that they're still at the door. Haruka, of course, didn't want to be mean to his guest, so he finally asked:

"You… won't come in?"

Ikuya seemed like waking up from a trance, "Oh, sure"

Ikuya went straight, without looking at Haruka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was tough to write. So many feelings.  
> I'm writing this on NaNoWriMo, so probably it'll get fast updates.  
> Please leave yout thoughts!


	4. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Ikuya focused chapter

Ikuya couldn't believe what was right in front of him. Baggy eyes, torn clothes, hair like it wasn't been washed in weeks. Haruka was a totally different person that he remembered. Where was the hero of his young days? Where was the genius everyone talked about back then?

Right now Haruka looks like a person who was thrown away. A person that no one cared about, or a person abandoned by the world. Nothing like the promise of the sport and an inspiration for everyone around him. Looking at Haruka in that state maybe him think about what went wrong with his live for him to reach rock bottom. And where were himself to not knowing or noticing anything about this.

He knew that not everything was his fault, but there was a missing piece of the puzzle that was Haruka. And that puzzle wasn't open to be deciphered by him. Ikuya felt that he never knew Haruka at all. He remembered when they went separate ways. Even though he asked for an answer about why Haruka decided to leave the sport at the time, he didn't answer. So what was Ikuya for him, anyway?

After Haruka left the swim club in middle school and Asahi moved to another place, he decided to forget about everything they had - promises, bonds, and such - and went to the United States of America with his older brother, since he would join a swimming training program there. Ikuya took this as an opportunity to start his life from zero, with no disappointments on the way.

But then he met another japanese boy there. His name was Hiyori, and they became friends mostly because of the same age and Ikuya finally had someone to talk to in his native language, making the situation more comfortable. Unfortunately that wasn't the same for Hiyori. 

He believed that their bond had a special meaning, so he was careful with his friend. When in America, he didn't allowed anyone who might be suspicious to come next to Ikuya. The later poor health condition gave Hiyori a new layer of caution and protectiveness. This intensified after one incident at the pool during one of their training. Ikuya almost drowned bit Hiyori was there to rescue him. Since that day Hiyori was extra careful with him.

This excessive care sometimes was a tool for Ikuya. When he showed interest in one of his classmates at the school there, he had to meet them in secret, or else Hiyori wouldn't shut up about how they might be an ill-mannered person.

This behavior continued when they get back to Japan in High School. Even though they still had teammates at the school swim club, no one dared to approach the two more than necessary. All of sudden Ikuya's world revolves around Hiyori and only him. Not even with his brother he could speak directly. Ikuya took the comfort to have his best friend around for granted and didn't realize that he forgot how to interact with others.

Ikuya didn’t mind their friendship to be like that, until he took part of the freshman swimming tournament in college. There he reunited with his middle school friends, the first being Asahi. Funny enough, they met when Ikuya caught him saying his luck chant at the mirror. This little act remind him of simpler days and a feeling that he didn't know that he lost along the way.

Then he met the others - Makoto and Kisumi - even with Hiyori's hesitation to meet them, but when Ikuya said that they're trustful, he eased up a little, to the point that he hung out with them sometimes. But Ikuya knew that someone was missing. He wasn't sure about who they were, because it was in a deep and recluse place in his mind, which he couldn't access consciously.

One day, when Hiyori wasn't present, he met his middle school friends at Asahi's sister's cafe. Looking at old pictures, Asahi asked Makoto about how Haruka was doing. Haruka. That's the name he couldn't remember. Only hearing his name made his mind go overdrive, images of the genius swimmer appearing in his mind like a film in rewind.

The news of Haruka took Ikuya by a storm. He returned to swimming in you school, but became a NEET after graduation. Not just that, but it sounded like he don't leave his house for a long time. Ikuya didn't know that to think as he heard that, but he knew that it wasn't right. Makoto said that something happened overseas for him to turn out like that, but what?

He needed to know.

So, after a not so well handled talk through Makoto's phone, everyone decided to go to his place in summer. Well, not exactly decided, but went with the idea since they did it before and it would be a nice way to remember the old times. Ikuya would join them just to find out what happened to Haruka, or at least it was he tried to put in his mind. He would finally figure out the whole picture with that missing piece.

He still had to talk to Hiyori about it. He knew that it wasn't a easy task, because he never went too far away from him since America. After all, Hiyori didn't have any friend besides Ikuya, so he worried that he would end up feeling alone. Ikuya needed to prepare him for the news he was about to say somehow. For that, he asked for a meet in their usual spot.

And so, they went to a cafe the both of them used to come a lot. Ikuya was facing the pistachio drink that Hiyori bought to him. He knew that touching the subject of his middle school friends to Hiyori was always a minefield. But he had to say that he had plans for the summer break without him. He never did it before, so he tried to come up with the subject as smooth as possible.

"You know that I went to that cafe I said before, right?"

"Hm" Hiyori answered, "and what about that?"

"My friends decided to visit and old friend in Iwatobi"

"Oh really?" Hiyori's voice showed irritation, "And what did you said?"

"That I'm joining them. There's a lot of issues that I have to work on, and this guy is one of them"

Hiyori got pensive for a while, and didn't come with a response soon. Ikuya thought that that something was wrong, so she asked.

"Is that a problem?"

"I don't know" Hiyori turn his gaze at the window, "I won't be there for you this time"

"I'm aware of that"

Hiyori tried to hide his insecurity with Ikuya's lack of hesitation, but failed at it.

"B-but what if he turned out dangerous? You have a poor health and you know it"

"I have all my friends with me. You already know them, so it'll be okay"

"Okay, fine", he said with a defensive instance, "Do whatever you want"

That surely wasn't exactly the way he expected this conversation would turn out be. But it was something nonetheless. There is some issues they the both of them need to sort out, for sure.

But now he was in front of Haruka's door. The person in front of him that presented as Haruka, at least. There was so many questions he tried to come up when he thought of meeting the one, but at this time no sound left his mouth. He could just look at Haruka, and ask himself that it was really happening.

"Won't come in?", He asked, waking Ikuya up from his trance. Hearing his voice felt like something resonated within the depths of his soul. It was a feeling that he didn't know he had lost a long time ago.

But now these feelings were as strong as ever. And Ikuya wasn't at a good state to handle it. He didn't even understood what kind of feeling it was. Somewhere far away he could recognized the sensation in his chest as similar to when they were at the poolside watching the meteor shower together.

But he knows that he couldn't show that kind of feelings around Haruka. So, he gave a quick answer and gone straight to where everyone already were, avoiding Haruka's gaze. He found Makoto, Asahi and Kisumi dealing with the groceries and trying to decide what to do for dinner.

"What about curry?" Suggested Kisumi, with his high-spirited self.

"Uh… I think hot-pot is better" was Asahi's response.

"What about mackerel, then?"

"Really? Mackerel? He eats this stuff everyday already"

Ikuya was so distracted by Kisumi and Asahi's back and forth and Makoto's laugh at the background that he didn't notice Haruka approaching him from behind.

"Hey" he said, startling Ikuya. The later turned around to face him.

"Jeez, you almost killed me!"

"Sorry" Haruka hesitates for a while and then followed up, "I think we have a lot to talk about"

"Hm"

"I… think you must have a lot of questions right now, but is that…"

"Haruka, I… don't think this is the right time. We're all tired and hungry, and probably you too." He tried to be as polite as possible, but failing at hide his bitterness.

"Oh, nailed it, ha ha". I was about to sleep when you all came"

"Seriously?" Insecurity took the best from Ikuya, "Are we bothering you somehow?"

"No! Far from it!" Haruka tried to light up the situation, "You all are welcome. I mean, it was such a surprise"

Ikuya could notice that Haruka was as nervous as him with this encounter. Every word he said, it felt like he was stepping on eggs. Ikuya felt somewhat a little of sympathy for him. But he still was aware of all the unanswered questions in the air.

"Dinner's ready, you guys!" Announced Asahi, bringing the plate of curry to the table. Kisumi went after him, looking victorious. Curiously enough, they didn't notice that the guys manage to decide what's for dinner, let alone preparing it. Ikuya laughed at the thought.

"I'm curious if you guys learned to cook after all this time", said a rate enthusiastic Haruka. Then he looked at Ikuya, "Shall we go eat?"

"Sure, why not"

As they went to join the others at the dinner table, Kisumi was just finishing it preparations. Asahi was already eating, even with the other complaint about waiting the others. But when everyone was reunited and serving themselves the meal, Asahi came up with a disconcerting question:

"So… who is Rin?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay. Writing this is very hard for me sometimes. I'd love to know if you liking the story so far!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Update may take a while.


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